In Mourning

When sorrows assail us or terrors draw nigh,
His love will not fail us, He’ll guide with His eye;
And when we are fainting and ready to fail,
He’ll give what is lacking and make us prevail
-Anonymous

This fall has been hard on me mentally. I have been doing a lot of mourning and I have been holding it in because the last time I expressed how I felt about all this I was told “get over it”. Getting over the death of your unborn child isn’t something you can “get over”. Anyone who has ever experienced true, unconditional love knows and understands that. Yet, there I was stopped in my tracks by someone whom I thought I had loved all these years. Then those three words spilled from his mouth and I realized I had no clue what love was. What it really was. I tail spinned, not in the way I normally would but instead I shut everyone out and decided I could trust only me and God. I have come to realize over this last year and a bit that those three words are probably the most hurtful, rude, and painful thing I have experienced in my life. I will likely never experience any pain like that again. Yet here I am and I am sitting here sad and not being very open with those who love me because I am afraid of those three words coming out of the mouths I trust yet again. It is astonishing to me how three little words can completely change the course of your entire thought pattern and your entire life. I regret that he said those words to me but I don’t regret that I walked away. I don’t regret that I have moved on and that I have placed God first in my life. I regret that he will probably die alone and miserable and I can’t change that. He made his choice with those three words. He made it again and again by standing by his three words. My love for him will never go away; although it is forever altered and changed I love him because God tells us we must love all people the way that He loves us. I can do that. I can even forgive him for what he said because it’s how he feels and I can’t judge someone for their feelings.

It has been hard to move forward with one less person in my circle of trust. One less person to depend on and to know they care. I have filled that void with God. I know He is my rock, my strength. He will carry me through life and he will fill in where I lack. God is a loving God and that love is unconditional for me an all people, whether they have faith or not.

I know that when I have thrown in the towel and lay down and beg God to release me from the pain of life that He answers my prayer in the way that is His will for my life. I may stay in bed all day and mope. I may be depressed and angry at the world, at man, but my God is always there for me to wipe away my tears, to hold my hair and to guide my heart. Even though I am currently mourning the losses of my life Gods light is shining bright like a beacon in the dark and I know His light will not run me ashore or lead me into the dangers I fear. He is my shepherd and I am proud to call Him Father!